Vanity, womanhood, and my haircut.

I can't really put it any other way. I hate my hair. Really.

Saturday night: game night with male friends. Somehow the topic of vanity and plastic surgery come up and I affirm my conviction that people should not derive their sense of worth or identity from their appearance. I mean, those vain people really have it wrong. Why can't they just accept who they are? Some women can't deal with the pressures of vanity in this culture, but I am unaffected by expectations of my appearance.

Tuesday afternoon: Conviction still holding as I tell Danielle, my salon gal "If you have a hair cut you've been wanting to try out for fun, feel free to do whatever you'd like." Hair gets colored red again (several gray hairs have been spotted and confirmed by Danielle during this process) and then I proceed to lose a ton of my hair. When it's all over, there's my hair on the floor looking sad and so decidedly separated from my head. I begin to mourn as I walk to the car, knowing this is all my fault.

Tuesday night: After the Julie-Ruth Dealio I head home and mope. I get misty eyed. I look into the mirror in disgust. Yuck. I look and feel yuck. "At least it will grow back," I tell myself. "Think of chemo patients, at least you don't have cancer." The very fact that I had to dwell on this thought proves my vanity. "What about hair extensions? Or a cool hat? Or maybe a really high scarf that makes it look like more hair is under it? Or a hair band?" It's useless. I'll be ugly for quite some time. I go to sleep incredibly sad. At least Skip will still love me.

Wednesday at work: The worst part is that I work a job where I'm in front of people every day who notice every little thing about my clothes, hair, face, shoes etc. There are comments made with kind little niceties like "Did you get your hair cut Ms. Vann? I like it." I know they are lying. They have to be lying.

Presently: I'm going to face this like a real, courageous woman. I'm going to hold my head up high and not care what I look like (as best I can...). I'm going to tell myself that hair isn't everything, that it will grow back, and that I'm still special. I will... I will... I will not be vain.

So, God, thanks for the lesson. Message received.

Work and Longing.

I've been thinking recently about that weird cycle we all find ourselves in where we work really hard to reach some "place" where we hope to rest and yet we end up still longing, still dissatisfied, still rearranging the world. It never seems to end and despair is waiting to eat us just around the corner. Sometimes, we believe we've finally made it but the reflecting on our work only begs for more so we roll our sleeves up and dig in. Again.

One of my heroes, Tim Keller, was saying in a MP3 I was listening to this morning that work is a part of that longing for perfection that we all have and can't seem to create. It is frustrating. That's the point of Genesis 3. My work is good (professional and otherwise) and is part of the way the world can be arranged to promote human flourishing. So, basically, I should expect most of my work to be good and frustrating. Great. At least I'm normal.

But, isn't this part of the redemptive story? Suffering does bring glory... but not the Tower of Babel kind where the name I'm promoting is mine. True glory (the kind that is otherly) comes through self sacrificing sort of suffering and this usually means working through thorns and thistles.

The era of redemptive history I live in is the scene of what the earth looks like when all hell breaks loose. The reordering, rearranging of the earth through good work is a privilege given to all of us and it will cost much and provide only moments of satisfaction. But the point is that the work will be finished. The true glory minded artist will see his work completed to ultimate satisfaction. The true glory minded attorney will find real justice. The true glory minded parent will see their child as beyond what they knew they would become. The true glory minded teacher will discover their students finally seeing. What a day that will be.

For now, the reminder of what God will finish is enough to get me started. Again.

Bailey the Puppy.

Vann Christmas this year was highlighted by two events:
1. The most snow Winston-Salem has ever seen for a white Christmas
2. The arrival of Bailey the puppy

Bailey is my brother's (Herb) new golden retriever pup. She's a cutie and I loved playing with her.


Bailey playing in the snow.



Here is my nephew (Harriss) and Bailey.




And me with Bailey... I still love Skip to death, don't worry. Though, I think if I could have a puppy and a rabbit coexisting in my home I'd try to pull it off. But let's be realistic, Skip would die of a heart attack if a puppy moved in. He's even afraid of the twinkle lights, for goodness sake.

Thanks to Herb, Mary Beth, Harriss, Charles, and little Jake for letting Aunt Ruth have some puppy time!

(Lapine) Kindred Spirits.

So, today I was in Petsmart buying Skip some new rabbit litter when an older gentlemen walked through the sliding doors.

I knew he was a rabbit owner the minute I laid eyes on him. He had that lapine way about him. I ended up in line behind him at the check out register.

"Do you have a rabbit, sir?"
"Why yes! I have 4 house rabbits, in fact."
Note: This explains the large cartload of hay, pellets, and litter.
"What kind?"
"Three Holland lops (not the mini kind but the full sized ones) and a Fuzzy lop."
Note: I've never heard of a "fuzzy lop" but I didn't ask.
He went on... "They're couples... the four of them, I mean."
Note: I wanted to ask if they were fixed but that was obvious. Otherwise he would have reported owning 20 rabbits.
I say "I have just one. His name is Skip and he's a Netherland Dwarf."
"You must have spent some time with him to make him a good house rabbit. That breed tends to get pretty skittish" he says.
"Yes. We've been working on that." I'm wondering what to say next... not because I'm at a loss of questions but because there is so much to say and chat about. And now he's finished his purchase... and now he's leaving... oh no! Do I ask for his phone number? That's weird. He's married and might think I'm trying to pick up an old man! He turns and says, "Have a Merry Christmas with Skip!" I wish him the same. He leaves. oh well.

Rabbit owners are hard to come by, at least house rabbit owners. I am sure that if circumstances had been different, we could have talked for hours. Lapine lovers are rare and special.

Mean Reds.

A little bit of some mean reds (not blues) have descended on me. Mournful and not sure what I'm mourning. Reading Jane Eyre and feeling sorry for her (and me?). Silliness. There's a battle in my mind and I hope I'm winning.

A meal of shapes is in order. Dinosaur chicken nuggets. Rabbit mac n cheese.

Pride before the fall... my life may serve as a warning to others

Some people can hide their pride fairly well. This has never been possible for me. Reality always lets me know that I'm not the person I've puffed myself up to be.

Examples:
1. In college I go on my first skiing trip and decide I'm too cool for the bunny slope. The result? 1.5 hours of skiing, falling, getting, up, skiing etc. and an incident involving a descent down into the forest going backwards.

2. Two years ago I decide that I'm really hard core and show off by climbing up a rock that I promptly fall off of and score an ACL severing, meniscus tear, and $6,000 in medical expenses. Awesome.

3. Today I listen to the radio detailing the school delays and say out loud, "School delay? Wimps. There's nothing dangerous about these roads." Within seconds Gus (my Jetta) decides to ice skate across the street and into someone's yard. All is well. But, lesson learned... for now.

Pride is not just ugly. It's dangerous. Humility is safety.

Snow Hope.

Tis the season of snow hope.

That lovely season when any day could be a snow day and we know what that means... the potential for no school. This is no small thing, mind you. Snow days are serious around my house. I watch the weather religiously... "What is the extended forecast?" "Ok. So bad news according to weather.com but what about the national weather service?" "What does the doplar radar show and what about the humidity?" "What is the ground situation... sticking a possibility?" "Outside temps below 32?"

Then, you check out WLOS like it's your new crush. The refresh button gets hit every ten minutes (or less?, must I confess?). If no news surfaces you pace from the couch to the window to check out the situation on the ground (and sky). Then, if hope still lives (and ahhh, it lives) you go to bed.

6AM. Window check. Laptop gets pulled into bed and the refresh button gets that one last refreshing... waiting, waiting "my internet is soooo slow!" "what is wrong with this thing?" "dear God, hear my plea...." and the most amazing message appears. My school - CLOSED. I smile so big you'd think I was the Grinch who stole Christmas. The laptop gets shoved to the other side of the bed. I sink into the blankets. I fall asleep with dreams of going to Sunny Point and eating huevos rancheros and a gigantic glass of orange juice when I awake and bundle up for the walk in the snow... in the happiness of frozen precipitation... in a day of hot chocolate and reading cozily.

6PM. The cycle continues... if hope still lives (and ahhh, it lives).

Did I mention Snow is my middle name? No, really. For real.

Lessons in Rabbit (and Human) Taming.

Tonight was a major breakthrough with Skip. I mean major.

This may not seem huge to you dog and cat owners but keep in mind I have a prey animal as a pet. Skip jumped up on the couch too many times to number while I was sitting on it, working on my grad work. One time, he speed ran down the hallway, took an abrupt turn to the right, jumped on the couch, and slid into my knee. Pretty awesome.

I think he likes me. He HAS to like me, right? I mean, what does a rabbit get out of jumping on the couch so much except to hang out with me? Bonding is happening... and what is funny is that I was reading up on childhood attachment while sitting on the couch this whole time. Skip is confirmed in a secure attachment to his caregiver (me).

And now, before I go to bed, my mind is swimming with a ton of thoughts about all of this. I'm remembering all the efforts I've gone through to help Skip feel safe with me...
1. over a year of tactics for litter box training, learning when to come to his cage training, and overcoming anxiety training
2. much more time than is healthy in forcing Skip to be near me so he can get used to humans (this included bunny attacks, growling, and the likes)
3. lots of reading on rabbit behavior and trying to act like a rabbit to communicate with Skip and become his rabbit friend

Was it worth it? You bet... and he's not even my child. I was so happy to see him conquer his fears because it allowed him to finally "feel" attached to me and this made me happy but mainly because I knew it made him happy.

Theological implications? more than I can think of at 10:17pm. But one comes to mind. God works painstakingly, lovingly, and mercifully to bring me out of my isolated fear state where I fight, defend, and run away from all the lovely things I should be nearing. One day, I will lay down arms and come near what all along was my security, though I didn't believe it. And God, well, he is indeed happy over the nearness of me but also happy that (the anxiety battle being over) I am happy being near him. For a girl whose major life struggles almost entirely revolve around fear, it was a pleasant evening being happy to be near the rabbit who is most happy being near me. I felt proud of him. And I felt satisfied in the work I'd done.

Let's congratulate Skip on moving towards all things good and trusting that what is trustworthy is trustworthy.

Bunny snacks.

Last week a colleague gave me an incredible gift. I pulled out a box of Annie's Bunny Graham Friends from my box in the office. The cuteness of this product reaches illegal levels. Annie is now my friend. I love her, her bunny (named Bernie), and her products. I perused the website and also discovered that I loved the company. There's info for kids on how to grow a garden (program called "Root for Kids"), free "loot," and free recycling stickers with 2 proofs of purchase (I'm working on sending that off.) I've already sent off for the free rabbit lunchbox.

Highlights of the cuteness explosion just on the box itself:
1. We are committed to reducing our bunny footprint.
2. Gently tug on ears to open (there is a bunny printed at the top of the box.)
3. Push tail to open (there is a bunny printed on the side of the mac and cheese box.)
4. No icky additives or pesky preservatives.
5. Share bunnies with friends.
6. Hop Hop Hooray! I'm organic!
7. A rabbit of approval (instead of seal of approval)
8. The crackers and mac n cheese are in the shape of bunnies (or carrots)
9. Watch out! They go really fast!

And you can see pictures and info about all the farmers who grow crops for Annie's food on their website.

Awesome. And, yes, I am a sucker for marketing. I drink Horizon milk because there is a cute cow on the front. But, bunny food? I'm sold for life. And now I'm going to stalk Annie... I'm already signed up for the newsletter (Rabbit Tales).

www.annies.com

The Oreck.

Today I brought home (thanks to mom and dad) a new vacuum cleaner. I am giddy with excitement. This is no ordinary vacuum cleaner. This is the Oreck XL Gold series powerful, lightweight, upright vacuum with HEPA hypo-allergenic filtering system. She's a beauty. I've already vacuumed a bit, just for fun.

She's self propelled, has a mean light in the front, and makes less noise than other machines... vacuuming is truly a privilege.

And it's yellow!!!